


Zankoku na Tenshi no Kami

by Jsyrin, Rex_Lupin



Series: ToZverse [10]
Category: Dragon Ball, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition, ゼロの使い魔 | Zero no Tsukaima | The Familiar of Zero
Genre: Abrigded Popo is his own warning, Canon: Dragon Ball Abridged, Dammit Tabris, Dragon Ball Z Abridged - Freeform, Gen, Morosexual Chi-Chi, Multi, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Planet Namek, Shenanigans, Zeruel has the Brain Cell, namek saga
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:42:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26796814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jsyrin/pseuds/Jsyrin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rex_Lupin/pseuds/Rex_Lupin
Summary: The Zeruels disagree on the universe they could finally attain ultimate power, until a suggestion causes them to switch the destination. Now, Zeru, the original series version, heads off to the Dragon Ball Z multiverse to find new frontiers...Wait, it's the Abridged version?Oh no.
Relationships: Bulma Briefs/Vegeta, Chi-Chi/Son Goku (Dragon Ball)
Series: ToZverse [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625149
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	1. Raditz, anyone?

Zeruel and her twin had a problem. A serious one, at that. 

Each one wished to be the strongest in all the land, and each had a perfect place to achieve it- and yet, unfortunately, they disagreed on the perfect place for it to happen. 

Zeru, the original, who was eaten in her first timeline, had her heart set on the land of human drive and giant robots, arguing that if any place would let them attain their peak, it would be the world with limitless will and determination. 

Zeruel, the remaster, she who became a Familiar, disagreed. Her ideal place was the world with monkeys and demons, with power levels scaling indefinitely. Nothing, she declared, would change her mind. 

It was the latter's Master who brought resolution to the argument: Let them try out each other's choices, let them train and evolve, let see what the future brought afterwards. 

And so did Zeru set off to the world of tomorrow, with advanced technology and wish-granting magic balls. 

Immediately after exiting the portal, Zeru found herself in… a big fuckoff desert area.

A really, really  _ really _ big desert area with loads of very breakable looking stone columns and plateaus and a startling lack of vegetation.

Zeru thought it was to save on animation costs. But then again, that was a dumb way to think of things… even if some of the columns were in a very distinctly different art style to her eyes, denoting that they likely to break sometime soon.

“Why do I think of the art style in a  _ text medium, _ ” she sighed. “Why did the cousins have to adopt a Narrativium angel.”

She looked around. “...When’s the stuff going to start breaking, anyway?”

She tapped her foot against the ground, scratching her head and hoping to dear god that her words would call on some action to happen through narrative coincidence… only to receive nothing.

An empty, flat desert with nothing but the wind blowing through it.

On the other hand, there  _ was _ a city nearby, so maybe she could at least chill there for a while.

Zeru sighed. “You know what, whatever.” She raised her not inconsiderable Soul and let out a  _ [ P I N G ]  _ of planetary proportions, casting out her Absolute Territory in search of Souls of strength and might.

What she found floored her.

There were a number of strong Souls on the planet, but there were also two that, while not that strong yet, carried within them a near-infinite wellspring of pure  _ potential _ for Might.

Wasn’t that interesting?

Zeru took to the air and flew off in search of the Souls in question.

As she flew, she noticed that a few of those other strong Souls seemed to have noticed her- what with them all starting to congregate vaguely together. Maybe it was a coincidence, but life in Halkeginia and also the family Network made for a startling lack of belief in the existence of coincidence.

Fate had a funny way of pretending it wasn’t, after all.

Also, proof of point, Zeru  _ was _ sensing the Souls’ vague unease, pointed in generally her direction. She idly wondered if they could sense her presence somehow, despite not really outputting that much energy to keep herself in the air.

Then again, it might also have been the alien Soul she could sense heading towards the planet.

She wondered if the locals had a type of Soul-sense, and then decided to roll with that thought because yeah, that sounded pretty fucking likely now that she thought about it.

Zeru wondered who or what she’d find.

After flying around a bit more, she paused and pursed her lips, staring up in the vague direction of where the Alien Soul was approaching, humming under her breath and triangulating the trajectory of the pod as it entered Earth’s gravity well. 

“... Do I go immediately meet the infinite potential Souls out there, or do I go try and talk to the alien that  _ also _ sorta has an infinite potential…” Zeru murmured, tapping her chin and watching as the pod began its descent through the atmosphere. “Well, I guess that alien dude  _ is _ coming by pretty quick. And he  _ is _ gonna land vaguely near that place where all those other souls are gathered… Maybe I’ll hang back a little for now, see how events play out.”

She thought on it a bit more. “...then again, if I’m right and they  _ can _ sense my Soul... wouldn’t that make a bad impression of sorts? How vexing.”

Zeru finally rolled her eyes. “Oh you know what, I’m just gonna go take a closer look. Also I gotta stop talking to myself out loud, come to think of it...”

She headed towards the congregation of locals, which seemed to be on a tiny island with one house and one palm tree.

...how cliche. She already loved it.

As she landed, she felt the presences inside move out, assembling in front of the house with several of them already in defensive stances- mainly the spiky haired guy in front and the tiny bald guy without a nose next to him and also the old guy with the turtle shell on his back. 

Strangely enough, though the spiky haired guy was one of the souls with limitless potential she felt earlier, the other soul was… a four year old kid with a monkey tail who looked a lot like the spiky haired guy, but was like…  _ way _ weaker. 

So much weaker.

Probably because he was a child but still. Children could have that much potential around here? Sweet.

Zeru could see that they were cautious. Perhaps expecting someone powerful put certain expectations on you? Nonetheless, she decided to ruin those expectations immediately.

“Hey guys, how’s it hanging?”

Yep, that was befuddlement.

Wait no, the old guy just looked horny for some reason… probably because Zeru was wearing nothing but a halter top and matching daisy dukes patterned after her Angel form, which, given the prodigious size of her assets was…

Well. She should only be so glad that she could hold everything in place with her soul.

“... My eyes are up here, old dude,” Zeru deadpanned, rolling her eyes and sighing.

“Holy shit the enormous power level has boobs!” was the bald one’s contribution.

Zeru raised an unamused eyebrow. “Really?” she drawled. “Boobs? That was the first thing you noticed? I expected souls of infinite potential and I get a bunch of horny-” 

She paused. “On second thought, it makes perfect sense now that I think on it...”

“It does?” the bald one and the old man chorused.

Zeru shrugged. “You’re just as horny as the rest of my family. I’m absolutely not surprised strong souls would be complete perverts.”

“... What’s a pervert?” the spiky haired one asked, losing all the intensity and menace he had in a mere instant once he realized that there was no fighting to be done. “Is it like a food thing? Oh, when are we having lunch?”

Zeruel stared down at him. “...so you lot do the ‘sharing a brain cell’ thing too?” she couldn’t help but ask. “Because I feel like he hasn’t gotten his turn on it yet.”

“ _ Tell me _ about it!” the old guy yelled.

“So um… are you gonna introduce yourself so I can stop calling you “big boobed powerful lady” in my head?” the bald one asked, scratching the back of his head as everyone turned to look at him. “What? She’s got big boobs and a whole lot of power! What else was I gonna call her?”

“Okay first of all,” Zeru pointed out, “I’m sixteen. Second, name’s Zeruel, but people call me Zeru because I share names with my identical cousin. Who’re you lot?”

“... Wow, you are  _ really _ developed for a teenager,” the bald one muttered, then blushed and spluttered as he tried and failed to save his train of thought. “I-uh- wh- I mean hi there I’m Krillin! The meathead here is Goku-”

“That’s me!” the spiky haired one exclaimed excitedly, almost like a child.

“-also the blue haired lady is Bulma, the angry lady-ow!- is Chichi, and the old guy is Master Roshi.”

“Sup,” Zeru greeted. “Said before, I’m Zeru, and I’m  _ basically _ here looking for ways to make my soul stronger - and you lot seem to have a couple of infinite potentials among you. Made sense, ya know?”

“... Okay that’s… well,” Krillin raised an eyebrow before looking around at everyone assembled. “... Okay so I’m gonna guess Goku is one of them but… infinite potential? Really? I mean he’s strong but…”

Goku just tilted his head and looked down at Krillin, not at all sure what he was implying. Zeru could almost see the cartoon hamster wheel in his head squeaking along.

“... I mean, I do always end up being or getting strong enough to fight anyone we have to,” Goku shrugged, finally arriving at a more or less conclusion. “So maybe it is infinite!”

Zeru hummed. “That tracks,” she agreed. “Say, that alien coming this way with a Soul like yours - know him or...?”

“There’s an alien coming!?” Bulma immediately spoke up, her voice trembling with some kind of nervous energy. Or manic, though Zeru couldn’t really tell. “Wait- what do you mean it’s soul is like Goku’s?”

“Same type of limitless potential,” Zeru confirmed. “Dunno if it’s genetic or not, but it should be around here any-”

“Kakarot! I have finally found you!”

“-second,” Zeru finished. “Excuse you, I was  _ talking. _ ”

“Out of my way, woman!” the rude, spiky haired alien commanded, glaring down at the assembled group and brushing past Zeru without a single second glance, seemingly writing her off as unimportant while he looked down at Goku. “Kakarot, I see you’ve failed in your mission to exterminate this planet! Explain yourself,  _ brother!” _

Zeru  _ sighed _ , rubbing the bridge of her nose. “Are you looking for a fight?” she asked. “Because I could do with a fight.”

The spiky alien sneered at her. “Oh  _ please,  _ as if a woman like you... could... is this thing broken?” He tapped the thing on his face. “Power levels aren’t usually measured with these symbols- what the hell even is that?”

Zeru blinked, raised her eyebrow, then crossed her arms as she tried to puzzle out some kind of conclusion based on the spiky alien weirdo’s confused and also now slightly wary mutterings.

“... If you’re wondering why my quote unquote “power level” is so high, maybe I should just give you a demonstration,” Zeru deadpanned, before simply raising a finger and, before the alien could react, unraveling it into a hypersonic kinetic impactor ribbon and-

“... Wow, usually you only see someone flying  _ that _ far in anime!” Krillin gaped, holding his hand above his eyes and squinting as the alien’s unconscious carcass flew what had to be hundreds of kilometers away before vanishing into a twinkle in the sky. 

“Damn, my angle was off,” Zeru muttered, grumbling a little bit before sighing and shrugging. “Oh well, I wasn’t looking to beat my record anyway.”

“So anyway,” she asked the rest of them, “Who’s Kakarot?”

“I unno, but I think he was pointing at me,” Goku mentioned, looking for all the world like a deer in the headlights as he stared off at where the alien had gone. “Maybe he thought I was his long lost brother or something?”

"Sounds about right for this kind of series," Zeru deadpanned. 

“Uhhhh anyway- do you uh… want anything to drink or something?” Krillin asked after a moment, trying to break the tension as he motioned towards Kame House. “We were having a party inside a few minutes ago, but you can join in if you want?”

Zeru considered that. 

Pondered it. 

And shrugged. "Sure, why not. I arrived moments ago myself, so I don't have anything better to do anyway." 

“Woohoo! Time for lunch!” Goku cheered, completely breaking the tension as everyone immediately relaxed and headed back inside the house, resuming the party without further ado.


	2. No, still Raditz.

"Kakarot!" roared a voice. "We have unfinished business, Kakarot! Get out here!" 

“... He’s back?” Zeru groaned as she sat up and rubbed her eyes, peering out of the window of Kame House and sighing at the sight of stars. “Christ on a stick, he’s back and it’s not even sunrise yet. Euuuugggh… Goku! The annoying alien is back! Do you want me to kill him for you or do you wanna go punch him for a while?”

"You associate with powerful allies, Kakarot," the voice continued, "but you have miscalculated! I am now twice as strong as I was before!" 

“I’m gonna go fight him!” Goku immediately sprang forth from deeper within the house, tugging on his clothes before running out of the door and throwing himself at the alien with a loud kiai.

Zeru just groaned and rubbed her forehead, completely unable to sleep now that the entire area was filled with the sound of punching and kicking and energy blasts and Goku screaming in agony as his bones broke-

Wait. Shit.

“... I may have miscalculated,” Zeru deadpanned as she slipped off of the couch and strode outside, watching as the alien (whose name she  _ still _ didn’t know) beat the ever loving shit out of Goku until the spiky haired dimwit crash landed into the beach with an almighty thud, cratering the ground and landing in some kind of odd fetal position that looked kind of wrong on Goku.

Snarling, Zeru leapt towards Goku, checking his pulse. She let out a relieved breath. “Still alive,” she muttered. “But barely. Look, whatever your name is-”

“It’s  _ Raditz! _ ”

“ _ Whatever _ your name is,” Zeru continued, “piss off.” 

Her arm snapped out and unfurled into another, stronger kinetic accelerator, punching Raditz in the stomach and sending him back across the horizon. 

Zeru herself frowned at Goku’s form. Dare she add another Angel to the family so soon...?

“Hey, what was the noise WHOA okay holy shit,” came an exclamation as Krillin ran out of the house and knelt next to Goku. “Okay, he needs a Senzu bean and quick!”

“A Senzu what-” Zeru deadpanned, before the bald guy rummaged around in a pocket tied to his gi’s belt, before pulling out a tiny green bean and pushing it into Goku’s mouth, working the idiot’s jaw and massaging his throat.

And to Zeru’s considerable surprise, not only did the guy’s fading stop, but his potential took a steep jump upwards.

“What the fuck is in those things,” she deadpanned.

“I dunno, but apparently it’s a lot of cool magic stuff,” Krillin shrugged, then poked Goku in the side. “Hey Goku, are you alright now? You’d better get up- I’m willing to bet that Radish guy is gonna be back by tomorrow.”

“Man, that guy is  _ strong, _ ” Goku marveled. “And he could be even stronger tomorrow! I can’t wait to punch him properly. Do you think he could let me?”

Zeru turned and raised an eyebrow at Krillin. The shorter man shrugged. “Yeah, he  _ is _ for real. No, I don’t get it either.”

With that, Krillin just sighed and walked back into Kame House, while Goku flew around back and started putting on his weighted clothes to start training again. 

“... I’m… just gonna go back to bed. If you get your shit rocked again, Goku, I’ll just blast that radish bastard across the ocean so you don’t actually die,” Zeru deadpanned, leaving Goku to his training while she simply fell back into the siren call of the surprisingly soft couch and a warm blanket.

<>

“I am back,  _ woman _ and company, and this time, I’m even STRONGER than EVER!”

Zeru socked him in the gut and went back to sleep.

<>

“You are clearly too weak to kill me! All you do is make MY power grow with each hit!” Raditz crowed, standing over a downed Goku. Again.

“I knowwwww,” Zeru groaned. “All I want is a  _ challenge, _ is that too much to ask?”

She sent him flying across the horizon once again.

<>

“I return again! Stronger yet again, and this time with- is that a Namekian? Wait no not the face-!”

Zeru stared at the large green man who’d managed to land on the beach mere minutes before Raditz returned, giving him an awkward wave, which he returned slowly.

“Sup. I’m Zeru,” she greeted slowly, not really sure what to make of him.

“Piccolo,” came the curt response.

<>

“It has been. Two. Weeks.” Zeru groaned, watching out of the window as Piccolo (who’d been training just as hard as Goku for the last week or so that he’d been there) and Goku battled Raditz in the sky with furious anger and large laser beams blasting out across the sky.

She supposed it would have been impressive from a technical level, if it weren’t for the fact that Raditz  _ still _ wasn’t enough to give her anything resembling an actual fight, and Goku and Piccolo were no better.

Even Krillin’s only method of challenging her was in Go, which- while she was, in fact, categorically terrible at it- wasn’t really the challenge she was looking for.

“Prince Vegeta will avenge my death!” came Raditz’ final words outside of the window, while Piccolo and Goku-

Well.

Piccolo collapsed like a house with no foundations into a crater on the beach. Goku kind of just made a wheezing noise as he bled out in the sand and died.

Shit.

And then his corpse vanished.

Double shit.

“Why aren’t you more upset?” Zeru asked Krillin, who was kind of munching on popcorn. “Like, your friend just  _ died, _ and you’re just sitting here and-”

“Dragon Balls,” the brawler shot back. “Honestly I’m just glad it wasn’t me this time.”

Zeru shook her thoughts out of a  _ very _ inappropriate place. “...This better not be what it sounds like.”

Krillin shrugged. “Basically, magical wish-granting balls. There are seven of them, they can summon a giant green dragon who grants you any wish you want - like immortality, or bringing people back from the dead - and you get to make one wish per year. Standard fare, really - the only thing it can’t do is bring back people who have already been brought back once.”

“Huh,” Zeru opined. “That sounds like... a very broken thing.”

“Yeah it’s pretty great- only problem is that after you make the wish the balls scatter back across the planet and go inert for a whole year,” Krillin shrugged, finishing his popcorn and burping loudly. “Anyway since Goku’s corpse vanished like that, it probably just means that he’s fine- er, more or less. Still dead, but y’know. Fine-ish.”

_ "Did you hear that?"  _ came a voice from the little piece of technology Raditz always wore on his head.  _ "Raditz just got his ASS kicked, Vegeta!"  _

_ "Oh-hoh-hoh-ho, I heard all right,"  _ came a different voice.  _ "But I'm more interested in those dragon balls if you ask me. Immortality, here we- wait, is the line still open? Dammit, Nappa-"  _

The voices cut off. Zeru raised her eyebrows. "Looks like we're going to have some more guests soon," she noted. 

“... Man, I really hope those guys aren’t stronger than that Raditz guy, otherwise we’re kinda boned,” Krillin sighed, shaking his head as he stood up and began stretching. “Aaanyway, I might as well actually get some training done. See if I can’t raise my own power level some by the time those other evil sounding dudes get here.”

"You kidding?" Zeru deadpanned. "I've yet to meet anyone who can give me an actual  _ challenge  _ yet! Yeah, that includes Raditz, although he did keep getting stronger... Hey, if you're gonna train anyway, wanna spar against me or something?" 

In the background, Piccolo picked up the kid and fucked off. Zeru waved. 

"Sure, I guess," Krillin shrugged. "Why not."


	3. Training Montage~!

“Y’know, if anything, even if this hasn’t been at all useful for finding an actual challenge, this place sure has been great for actually learning martial arts,” Zeru murmured idly to herself as she watched Krillin take a break, yawning a bit as she stretched and rolled her shoulders, nary a bruise on her dusky skin nor sweat on her brow… though the same couldn’t be said for Krillin, who looked like he was halfway to death.

Same with Yamcha and Tenshinhan (or Tien, as he preferred), honestly. 

They were great sports about getting their shit kicked in by her, though, since it let them grow their Ki energy and skills way faster than just endlessly practicing against wooden posts.

"Glad you like it!" Tien's little vampire partner squeaked. Or at least Zeru  _ thought  _ he was a vampire. It wasn't very clear, to be honest. 

" _ Je- _ gus where did you come from!" was Zeru's totally calm and not at all startled reaction at the little man. Honest. 

“I’ve been subbing in for Krillin every few matches?” Chiaotzu answered, tilting his head at Zeru oddly. “... Did you not notice that we swapped out at all? Because I’ve been standing here this whole time.”

"Sorry," Zeru apologized, "I was lost in thought." 

She paused. 

"So are you a Jiangshi or...?" 

“It happens,” Chiaotzu nodded, then stepped back and began his cooldown stretches so he wouldn’t be sore later. “I’m done for today, my Ki is just about depleted and I need to get some ointment on these bruises before they get worse.”

"...you didn't answer my question," Zeru pointed out. 

“... Well I’m not undead if that’s what you’re asking. As to why I look like I do…” Chiaotzu shrugged. “Beats me. Probably the same reason why Tien has three eyes- aliens fucked my ancestors.”

"Right," Zeru said. "I'm gonna go spar with Tien again, then." She edged away. 

“Great, time to get my shit kicked again,” said triclops muttered, sighing as he warmed up with his usual stretching routine before taking to the ring. “At least  _ try _ to use some of the katas you’ve been learning this time. Y’know, pretend you actually need them to win.”

“I mean, I  _ don’t, _ ” Zeru countered, “but I might as well. They look fun.”

She took a stance. “...This is an actual stance, right?” she checked, just in case.

“.... Close enough,” Tien sighed, taking a moment to physically adjust Zeru’s stance into something more appropriate, and- after taking his place across from her in the sparring ring- immediately launched himself at Zeru with a loud kiai. 

<>

Time passed. Zeru learned actual katas. The 'Z Warriors' grew stronger. And at some point, somebody blew up the moon. 

Actually, Zeru was rather interested by that last one. Interested, and impressed. She really really wanted to find, and  _ fight,  _ whoever came up with  _ that  _ move. They must have been incredibly strong! 

Sadly, though, she had become the unofficial training post of the Z Warriors, given that even after gaining that much strength, literally  _ none _ of them could even so much as scratch her yet.

Well, she supposed that if Goku wanted to stay dead or something, she could just take care of any approaching threats herself...?

...That sounded  _ so _ unfulfilling, though.

What was also unfulfilling, on the other hand, was the exact thing she was speaking to Chi-Chi about now.

“... So… why exactly did you marry Goku again?” she asked, sipping her drink idly as she looked out over the ocean, sighing a bit and kicking her feet- their little group had, at one point, moved to a beachside training area owned by Bulma with more space for all their combat training instead of the tiny spit of land that was Kame House. “I can’t imagine that he’s… that much of a good husband.”

"Oh,  _ tell  _ me about it," Chi-Chi groaned. "I thought I was being clever by landing myself the strongest man on the planet, but  _ nooooooo,  _ he's a goddamn moron who managed to get himself  _ killed!  _ At least Gohan is a good boy, or WAS, until  _ Piccolo  _ decided that he needed an  _ apprentice  _ and I  _ haven't seen my baby for months either!!" _

"...So why did you marry him again?" Zeru repeated her question. 

Chi-Chi  _ grinned.  _ "Because he was strong enough to defeat me, because I wanted a child, and because he might be a big dumb moron but by  _ Shenron  _ he's  _ my  _ big dumb moron!" She coughed. "Also, he's  _ really  _ well-hung." 

"I'm getting the distinct impression that you only married him for his equipment," Zeru deadpanned. 

Chi-Chi scoffed. "Well I  _ certainly  _ didn't marry him for his  _ brains,  _ did I? For  _ fuck's sake,  _ the idiot thought  _ I had cinnabuns hidden under my shirt  _ when we first met!" 

“...Wow, I’ve heard of a loveless marriage before but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a marriage that’s solely held together through the power of getting dicked down by a himbo,” Zeru muttered, then coughed into her hand awkwardly. “Er- forget I said that. Sounds like him being married to you is a lot more work than it’s worth. Why not just… divorce him? With his brain being as it is, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t even notice.”

“He brings the food home,” Chi-Chi shrugged. “Sometimes literally. Also, I  _ really _ don’t want Yamcha to figure out I’m single, Bulma’s occupied enough with him as it is...”

“... I mean, Yamcha seems like the kinda guy you can just brush off if you don’t want him hounding you,” Zeru shrugged, then chuckled under her breath. “Heh. Hounding. Cuz he calls himself a wolf.”

“Aroo,” Chi-Chi deadpanned.

“Anyway, for all that he’s gotten stronger, Yamcha’s still kinda… pathetic, honestly,” Zeru sighed, rubbing her forehead and grumbling. “Actually, didn’t you just mention that you used to be a fighter? Why’d you stop?”

“Had a child,” Chi-Chi admitted. “Also, I don’t want to be held together by prize money from tournaments...”

“You  _ are _ doing pretty much nothing right now,” Zeru pointed out. “Why not, I dunno... a spar?”

“Oh no, I couldn’t,” Chi-Chi shook her head, brushing Zeru off with a wave of her hand. “I’m way out of practice at this point and I don’t even have any training gear to work with.”

“That’s sad,” Zeru murmured.

“Well, I did it to myself so I only have myself to blame for that,” Chi-Chi sighed almost regretfully, staring out over the waves with a wistful expression. “It sure would be nice to have adventures of my own sometimes… unfortunately, my deadbeat of a husband can’t take care of my children while I’m gone. And Piccolo is…. well, not the best role model either.”

Zeru tilted her head, considering. “...Eh,” she decided. “My own family’s still more fucked up, so I’m gonna say you can’t be a worse parent and/or role model than anyone on  _ my _ family tree.”

“... How on earth could you possibly have a  _ worse- _ actually, nevermind, there’s a lot of options there,” Chi-Chi grimaced, turning faintly green around the gills as she imagined just how terrible some parents could be to their kids. 

“I think one of the tamer options are ‘attempted murder-suicide,’” Zeru mused. “That happened to my older sister’s partner, by the way. Hey, do you wanna see the family tree? I’m told it’s a  _ hoot.” _

“... Y’know what, sure, I’m sure it can’t be  _ that _ bad,” Chi-Chi grumbled, wincing a bit at Zeru’s mention of murder-suicide and wondering how it could be  _ worse _ than that in Zeru’s family without  _ actual _ murder happening.

“Okay, so,” Zeru began, bringing up a  _ hologram _ of a  _ colossally tangled web of names _ and pointing at the center, “Those are the alien ancestors, or as I like to call ‘em, the grandparents...”

Chi-Chi just  _ stared, _ taking a step back as an unfathomable sinking feeling consumed her thoughts. “... That is a  _ big _ family tree…”

<>

More time passed. Zeru was bored for most of that, but she could always slip away and punch apart a mountain or something, and did that numerous times. 

And then, at last, Zeru got to see something  _ truly  _ interesting. 

The 'Z warriors' gathered their seven Dragon Balls to wish back Goku. Actually, Zeru thought that it was clever - use a wish just before the enemy arrives, so that they can't use their wish for a year anyway - but the rest of them hadn't even thought of that. 

Naturally, that led to Zeru wondering if she'd gotten the brain cell when she wasn't paying attention, but that was probably neither here or there. 

It was Krillin who said the chant. "Eternal dragon! Rise, and grant our wish!" 

Zeru simply watched as the sky darkened and a  _ fucking massive  _ green dragon appeared in the sky, thunderbolts flashing and wind howling as the dragon leaned down and asked what their wish was.

Honestly, she wasn’t  _ super _ impressed by the dragon- it was cool, sure, but like… it wasn’t exactly something she was gonna be able to fight, considering that its main purpose was granting immortality or raising the dead. 

“Two exceedingly powerful alien warriors are headed our way,” Master Roshi declared, “And we need you to bring back our friend Goku to fight them!”

The dragon stared down at them.  **_“Seriously?”_ ** it rumbled.  **_“I am SHENRON, the ETERNAL DRAGON, capable of granting ANY WISH you’d like, and instead of, I dunno, wishing for me to redirect them into a sun or something, you want to bring back Goku?”_ **

“Wait, you can do that?” Zeru questioned. “I thought all you did was grant immortality or raise dead or stuff like that - you can do all the other stuff too?”

**_“Of course I can! But seeing as the Wish has been made, so be it! Son Goku has been revived upon the North Kai’s home planet!”_ ** Shenron rumbled, lightning flashing as it granted the wish- and immediately pooted out of existence while the Dragon Balls all flew off to god knew where for the next year or so.

“...seriously, when did  _ I _ get the brain cell?” Zeru demanded.

“Probably when you landed here?” Krillin shrugged, not at all concerned about the upcoming fight- outwardly at least. Zeru was very much aware of the fact that he was terrified about getting murdered by aliens. “Goku isn’t real smart and- honestly, between you and me… neither are the rest of us. Except me, but only because I’m self aware enough to  _ know _ I’m not that smart.”

“So your savior is alive again, but on a completely different planet,” Zeru deadpanned. “No idea when he’s going to get here, and the aliens are practically knocking on our door. That about sum it up?”

“Yeah basically- hey, if we’re not strong enough could you blow up the badguys for us?” Krillin asked, holding up his finger and turning to face Zeru again. “Y’know, just in case they try to blow up the planet or take over the world or something.”

“Why did I know it was going to be something along those lines,” Zeru snarked. “I  _ really _ hope these ones are gonna give me a challenge - why Twinsy wanted to come, I haven’t the faintest...”

“... You have a twin? Wait, no, questions for later,” Krillin shook his head as the two alien ships began visibly descending into the atmosphere, heading on a trajectory towards… what mostly just looked like that vast and rocky desert in the distance. The one full of extremely breakable pillars and outcroppings.

The fifth one on the left, Zeru thought to herself. The one  _ without _ the dense forest in it.

Gods, this Earth was just full of empty wastelands for the express purpose of someone duking it out in them, wasn’t it?

“Well, that looks like them,” Tien grumbled, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck idly. “Hey speaking of- Isn’t that where Piccolo went to go train Goku’s brat?”

“Well then,” Zeru said, cracking her neck, “let’s go welcome them to Earth.”


	4. Nappa! And Vegeta. But Nappa!

“Why is there so much sand, Vegeta?” Nappa complained bitterly as he stepped out of his pod, groaning and grumbling as he shook out his boots and took to the air to avoid actually standing on the dusty ground. “Not even the deserts back home had this much sand!”

“Stop complaining, Nappa,” Vegeta deadpanned. “You didn’t have to actually land, you know.”

“But it’s fun to take your first steps on a new planet! Just not usually when there’s this much sand! I hate sand!” Nappa continued complaining, crossing his arms bitterly before blowing up a portion of the terrain with an energy blast to vent. “Bah!”

“So would you say that you don’t like sand, because it’s rough and coarse and it gets everywhere?” someone asked.

“Yeah!” Nappa agreed. “Wait. Who said that?”

“Me,” Zeru immediately responded, popping up out of higher dimensional space and socking Nappa right across the face with a vicious left hook. “Sup nerds. Welcome to Earth. I’m Zeruel de la Valliere, local strongest bitch on the planet and these are my hype dudes. Say hi, hype dudes.”

“Hi!” Chiaotzu immediately waved, only to be hushed by Tien as the triclops just palmed his face and slapped his hand over his friend’s mouth.

“I’m not your hype dude!” Yamcha protested, flipping off Zeruel while Krillin just sighed and waved, completely accepting his lot in life.

“Strongest on the planet,  _ huh, _ ” Nappa drawled, rubbing his cheek. “Well, you were certainly strong enough to beat Raditz, and you do hit hard, but here’s a newsflash - Raditz was literally the weakest Saiyan in existence, so we’re so much stronger than him that we can literally  _ grow _ Raditzes!”

“So you’re stronger than him?” Zeru inquired, stars suddenly shining in her eyes. “He barely put up a fight!  _ Please _ tell me you can give me a challenge!”

“I’m as strong as five of him!” Nappa boasted. “And Vegeta is as strong as  _ fifteen _ of him!”

_ “Really,” _ Zeru purred. “How  _ interesting. _ ”

“Didn’t that Raditz guy get like,  _ way _ stronger when he was here, though?” Krillin spoke up a moment after, dispelling the tension as all the attention immediately turned towards him. “Er- uh.”

“Stronger? Ha! That pathetic fool could never grow stronger even under the harshest of training conditions!” Vegeta (who was a lot shorter than Zeru would have thought a would-be world conqueror/destroyer would be) laughed, crossing his arms and flaring his Ki in a visible aura around himself. “Tremble, fools! The Saiyan race is here to destroy your miserable planet once and for all!”

“... Huh.” Zeru immediately deflated at the feeling of Vegeta’s energy, sighing and shaking her head as she sat down in the sand and  _ groaned. “Dammit! _ He’s only as strong as that wimpass Raditz was right at the end! Fuck!”

“Wait what?” Nappa and Vegeta both asked at the same time, taking a few steps back as Zeru lifted a finger-

“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-”

And sent Nappa flying over the horizon with a single finger flick.

“Yeah okay I think we’re fine,” Tien muttered, then immediately rushed forward with Yamcha, Chiaotzu, and Krillin. The four of them started brawling with Vegeta, loud kiais and attack names being called out as they fought in the air and on the ground, smashing through rocks and pillars and various other debris while Zeru just sat there and lamented the fact that  _ once again _ she was deprived of a proper challenge.

“THIS PLACE FUCKING SUCKS! WITH A CAPITAL Q!” she shouted, flopping back in the sand and whining. In the distance, just barely visible, an explosion of light and Ki punctuated her words as Nappa came sailing back- along with Gohan and Piccolo. 

“None of those words begin with a Q though?” Gohan questioned. The kid didn’t even flinch as at least three various voices called him a nerd at that.

“Oh hey squirt,” Zeru sat up slowly, watching as Piccolo and Nappa began fighting off in their own corner of the wasteland. “How’s life?”

“Terrible and full of physical trauma,” Gohan replied idly, sitting down next to Zeru with a shrug. “So, y’know. About normal for someone in our line of work.”

“Weren’t you, like, five?” Zeru deadpanned. “Because if that’s normal for you, I-”

She paused. “I was gonna say I wanna have  _ words _ with your father, but he’s kinda dead, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he is. And, somehow… Piccolo is actually a better father than he was,” Gohan sighed, wincing a bit. “Well, y’know. If you excuse the intense training regimen that could be construed as extreme physical abuse.”

Zeru made a face. “Eh. Still a better father than mine, to be honest.”

“I don’t think it’s a competition,” Gohan muttered, then winced as a particularly large explosion rang out and a body flew past and cratered the ground. “Oh no, Mister Yamcha!”

“... Holy shit is he dead?” Zeru muttered, staring at the crater where a softly wheezing Yamcha laid still in an odd sort of fetal position. “Nevermind he just got the shit kicked out of him. Crap.”

“Medic,” Yamcha moaned.

“Senzu bean!” Krillin called out, flinging a bean towards Yamcha from a bag at his hip- only to get blasted by Vegeta in return. “Ow my spleen!”

“What the fuck is a spleen?” said alien invader shouted, easily beating Tien and Chiaotzu in short order and leaving them all lying on the ground in their own craters, moaning and groaning and mostly just trying not to die from getting their shit completely wrecked.

“... Huh. Guess it’s my turn,” Zeru deadpanned. “Do you want me to kill you or do you want an actual fight?”

“Don’t make me laugh, woman,” Vegeta sneered. “As if someone like  _ you _ could ever-”

Zeruel blasted him.

“Wow, he got knocked the fuck out,” Krillin groaned, sitting up just in time to see Vegeta go flying  _ through  _ a rock pillar. And then another one. And then another twelve. “Ha! Not so tough now are ya, paintbrush head!?”

“He’s sensitive about that!” Nappa yelled, punching  _ through _ Piccolo and leaving the green man hanging from his arm. “That’s okay! When we get the Dragon Balls, we can just take care of that problem too!”

“Piccolo, no!” Gohan screamed, immediately rushing towards Nappa, an aura of light visibly rippling around him as his power level  _ soared _ , throwing his all into an attack that…

Kind of just bounced off of Nappa.

Uh oh.

“... uh oh,” Gohan squeaked, staring at where Nappa had pretty much just brushed off the child’s Ki blast. “... that isn’t good.”

“I got it, I got it,” Zeru groused, pulling herself to her feet and marching towards Nappa. “Yo. Planning on surrendering or what?”

“Not on your life!” Nappa roared, throwing himself at Zeru with a loud battlecry… only to get bitchslapped into the same rocky outcropping that Vegeta had been launched into. “ARGH MY SPLEEN!”

“... Huh. The aliens have spleens,” Krillin muttered, watching vaguely as the two hostile aliens (Saiyans, from what the short one kept shouting) picked themselves up and growled- just in time for a familiar orange suited idiot to arrive and Kamehameha them  _ through _ the rocky outcropping once again with a rather minimum of fuss. “Woohoo! Goku’s here!”

“Hey guys! What’d I miss?” Goku asked, landing beside Krillin and looking around before gasping. “Oh no! What happened to Piccolo!?”

“I got punched through the torso,” Piccolo wheezed, raising his middle finger at Goku right in time to catch the belated senzu bean thrown at him by Krillin. “Dunno  _ how _ I survived that.”

"Luck, clearly," Zeru deadpanned. "Goku, where the Hell have you been, and how the  _ fuck  _ did you get back?" 

“I was on King Kai’s planet, and I had to run all the way down the snake road to get back!” Goku grinned like the oaf he was, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. “It was a  _ loooooooooooong _ trip.”

“We’ve had a looooooong year,” Krillin countered. “Can you  _ please _ defeat the new Saiyans for us now?”

“You got it!” Goku saluted, and zoomed off to begin a suitably epic battle against the two Saiyans, whilst Zeru just yawned, sat down, grumbled a bit, and pulled a bucket of popcorn out of nullspace so she had something to do while Goku saved the world again. 

“I cannot  _ believe _ how disappointing this experience has been,” Zeru deadpanned, grumbling and huffing as she shoveled popcorn down her gullet. “These guys aren’t even remotely worth fighting.”

“That’s actually a  _ really _ frightening statement if you think about it,” Krillin said. “...Can I have some of that?”

“Knock yourself out,” Zeruel shrugged, watching idly as she handed over the bucket and sighing as Goku broke Nappa’s spine and tossed his carcass at Vegeta… who suddenly disintegrated Nappa out of pure egotistical cruelty. “... Wow, what a jackass.”

“If we’re being honest, so are you,” Krillin observed. “The only reason you wanted to fight them was because you wanted to  _ fight, _ and you probably wouldn’t have even  _ bothered _ if you hadn’t met us, right?”

“I mean yeah, but at least I don’t go around disintegrating my friends just cuz they can’t fight anymore,” Zeru huffed, sticking her tongue out at Krillin. “And besides, I made sure no one died, didn’t I? Well, I mean besides Piccolo but he got better anyway.”

“Lucky, that,” Krillin sighed. “Without Piccolo, we wouldn’t have Kami, and without Kami, we wouldn’t have Dragon Balls, so bullet dodged, eh?”

“Wait-  _ what?” _ Zeru paused and stared at Krillin, barely comprehending what he just said. “Who the fuck is Kami, and why does Piccolo being alive ensure the Dragon Balls’ existence?”

“Basically God,” Krillin handwaved. “Green, wrinkly, lives on the Lookout, used to be half of Piccolo or something. I dunno, I didn’t get the entire picture, but basically if one of them dies so does the other, and Kami holds up the Dragon Balls. Somehow.”

“... I… see….” Zeru hummed and rubbed her chin, thinking over that statement before shrugging. “Hey should I blow up that guy’s ship? I think he’s running away. Seems like Goku kicked his ass pretty good.”

Krillin tilted his head. “...Nah. Goku’ll probably want to fight him when he gets back. That’s how it usually goes.”

Zeru stopped and stared at Krillin, then looked back over to where Goku was taking a breather, then back at Krillin. “... Didn’t you  _ just _ call me a jackass for only wanting to fight strong people? The hell makes me different from Goku?”

“Goku’s an idiot with two braincells who only thinks of fighting and honorable combat,” Krillin deadpanned. “You’re actually self aware.”

“...the self-awareness part is new,” Zeru admitted, deflating. 

“... I actually have no idea what to say to that,” Krillin blinked slowly, then shrugged. “Either way, Goku’s like an idiot golden retriever or something. You just sat down and watched most of us get our shit kicked.”

  
“...well, you didn’t have to put it so  _ bluntly, _ ” Zeru muttered, pouting.


	5. Kami Time!

Zeru sighed as she stood in the middle of a city- or rather, on top of a skyscraper in the middle of said city.

Apparently Bulma was loaded.

Who knew.

"I'm  _ bored,"  _ she complained. " _ So  _ bored." 

She continued staring out over the rooftops for a few minutes before groaning loudly and throwing herself back against the roof beneath her so she could stare at the sky instead.

“There’s nothing to doooooo!” 

“You can hang out with Master Roshi and I,” someone said. “Hey Zeru - wanna come? We’re going to the Lookout to see Kami.”

“Hey Krillin,” Zeru groaned, looking up at the sky. “Can’t right now, I’m  _ booored... _ ”

“Uh,” Krillin’s voice said.

“Give her a second,” Master Roshi’s old man voice suggested.

Zeru stared over at Krillin after a moment, finally registering their words. “Wait did you say Kami? Finally! Something to actually  _ do!  _ … Er, that isn’t staring at Bulma’s tits.”

“HA!” was Master Roshi’s contribution. Zeru and Krillin ignored him.

“Anyway, where are we going?” Zeru asked, finally standing up and wiping herself off with a flex of her AT Field. “Is it that giant floating thing in the upper atmosphere that I vaguely saw when I first got here a couple months ago?”

“It’s not  _ that _ giant,” Krillin protested, “and what do you mean couple months, you’ve been here for, like, half a year or so!”

“... Oh yeah, well couple months sounds better than half a year,” Zeru shrugged, then made a so-so motion. “Also it’s relatively big for something hanging around in the atmosphere with a higher density than a cloud.”

“Yeah, that’s Kami for ya,” Krillin shrugged. “C’mon. We’ll go fly.”

“Aye aye, let’s head out,” Zeru nodded, idly hopping into the air and waiting patiently for Krillin to lead the way. “By the way, what’s Kami like?”

“Green,” Krillin answered, shooting off in the right direction, Zeru and Master Roshi right behind. “Also, wrinkly. Also old, and I  _ think _ a bit sarcastic? I dunno.”

“... Sounds like Yoda,” Zeru deadpanned. “But I’m guessing he looks like Piccolo or something?”

“Only wrinklier,” Krillin nodded. “Just, uh... heads up. Watch out for Mr. Popo, okay?”

“Why? What’s up with- er, wait… hang on.” Zeru paused and stared off in the direction they were flying, furrowing her brow at the strange soul she could sense. “... Jesus  _ fuck _ how the hell is it even  _ remotely _ possible for someone to be so saturated with LSD their  _ FUCKING SOUL _ is drowning in it?”

_ “Don’t make eye contact!” _ Krillin yelped.

“.... Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhh a little late for that,” Zeru deadpanned, sighing as she came face to soul with something so horrifying that it honestly should not have existed. 

Which, to a mere mortal, would have been terrifying. Fortunately, Zeru was also an extradimensional eldritch abomination made of pure “fuck physics” so really it was like seeing a next door neighbor.

Tripping balls.

Naked.

While humping a defiled corpse.

“Hm, really didn’t need to see that,” Zeru muttered, coming in for a landing as Mr. Popo just giggled madly and gave Zeru a thumbs up.

“You go girl! Shake them tatas!” the probably racist caricature cheered, then turned around and went off to go do something horrible in the deeper areas of the lookout that no one ever went to for the sake of their own sanity.

“You okay?” Krillin asked, alighting next to her and shuddering slightly. “...That guy always creeps me out.”

“Mood,” Zeru muttered.

“So yeah, Kami should be around here somewhere- oh hey Kami!” Krillin waved as a very wrinkly, green skinned alien who looked a lot like Piccolo walked out of the main (and only) building, right as Popo vanished within. “How’s it hangin’?”

“A little to the left,” Kami deadpanned. “I presume you have… something… important to ask me?”

“Honestly Zeru here just wanted to know what was up with you, Piccolo, and the Dragon Balls,” Krillin shrugged. “...and I was wondering if you were actually immortal and if not, what would  _ happen _ to the Dragon Balls...”

“In the sense that I can prolong my lifespan almost indefinitely using my chi, yes, I am immortal,” Kami answered, glowing faintly for emphasis before folding his hands behind his back. “Unfortunately, I am, like all other things, still capable of being killed. Which, in regards to the Dragon Balls, would leave them inert- no more than fanciful stone orbs, really.”

“Didn’t one of the Saiyans say that your race was eunuchs?” Zeru asked curiously. “Exactly  _ what _ is it that’s hanging?”

“My left antenna,” Kami deadpanned. “It’s a joke, clearly.”

“I wasn’t aware the local gods had a sense of humor,” Zeru deadpanned right back. “Anyway, I actually wanted to know if there was any  _ more _ Dragon Balls around...”

“On the planet, no,” Kami shook his head. “Elsewhere… well, if there were any other beings like me, then perhaps. Considering that aliens do, in fact, exist, that’s more than likely.”

“ _ You’re _ an alien,” Zeru pointed out.

“Well I didn’t know that until recently, actually,” Kami retorted, then paused and held his chin. “I’m also not  _ entirely _ sure what kind of alien I am- no one’s seen fit to answer that yet, apparently.”

“You haven’t _ asked _ ,” someone said.

“Ah, if it isn’t my worse half,” Kami deadpanned, turning around with a heavy frown and staring at Piccolo, who’d silently flown up behind Kami in the intervening time. “And to what do I owe this displeasure?”

“Ask Popo,” Piccolo deadpanned. “He called me over. Fuck if I know why. I’m not gonna ask.”

“... I suppose I should only be so thankful he didn’t call you over for something else,” Kami sighed, pinching his brow. “Well, as it is, I can only assume that some great big threat to Earth is going to happen and that some great hijinks will ensue as a result of that. Ergo, I can only assume that this means you should be using the Hyperbolic Time chamber to grow your strength.”

“Is that what it sounds like?” Zeru asked. “Because I’m not sure it’d work on me.”

“It’s a chamber that compresses an entire year down into a single day, yes,” Kami confirmed with a slight nod, then paused. “Though why it wouldn’t work on you, I’ve no idea. Care to explain?”

“My species is kind of very multi-dimensional,” Zeru confessed. “Fourth dimension is kind of a suggestion, to be perfectly honest...”

“... Ah. Yes, I can see how that would be a problem,” Kami muttered, then shrugged. “Ah well, I’m certain that if you’re strong enough to deal with the Saiyans, you’re strong enough for whatever inevitable problems come Earth-wards.”

“I’m actually hoping for a  _ challenge, _ ” Zeru replied, crossing her arms. “So far I haven’t gotten any... I’d ask your black friend, but he weirds me out.”

“.... Boy, out of context that sure sounds racist,” Piccolo deadpanned, then immediately turned around and headed for the lookout proper. “Anyway, I’m gonna go spend a year alone. See you idiots tomorrow, if you haven’t died already.”

“Yeah he’s gonna die in there isn’t he,” Krillin deadpanned. “...I’m going with him.”

“You two have fun in there, I guess. I’ll just… hang out? Or something?” Zeru shrugged, watching as the two fighters entered the lookout and vanished from sight. “.... Hm. So what the hell am I supposed to do now?”

**_“Hello,”_ ** someone said. That someone felt like a Popo.

  
Zeru  _ sighed. _


	6. Might've Skipped Fake Namek

“... What the hell is Namek?” Zeru asked, staring at Goku with a tilt of her head. “.... And why are you bringing it up  _ now?” _

“Well, I just remembered something about that Vegeta guy saying that he was going to Namek… or… something?” Goku answered, scratching his head and looking confused at himself. “Dunno where that is, though, but Bulma said she could figure it out with that other space pod thing that the other guy who was with Vegeta left behind when he died.”

“I repeat,” Zeru deadpanned. “Why should we  _ care? _ ”

“I dunno? Maybe there’s food there?” Goku shrugged, still smiling that same oblivious smile.

“Didn’t that guy call  _ Piccolo _ a Namekian?” Krillin asked, having finally come out of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber with said large green man. “Maybe  _ that’s _ why.”

“.... If there really  _ are _ more of my kind,” Piccolo spoke up after Krillin, the temperature of the lookout dropping slightly as everyone (except Goku) realized the gravity of that statement. “... Then that means there could be more  _ Dragon Balls _ on Namek too.”

“I brought that concept up  _ yesterday, _ ” Zeru deadpanned. “None of you seemed to care, for whatever reason.”

“Yesterday we weren’t even remotely sure if there were more of Kami’s species. Now we are,” Tien deadpanned, having brought the rest of the B squad with him. “Obviously, now that the stakes are actually  _ there _ , we should actually worry.”

_ “Right,” _ Zeru sighed irritably. “I’ll hit up Saki for some equations if we’re to go into space, then.” She looked at the dubious faces around them. “What? If you lot aren’t strong enough for me to fight, then obviously I’ll have to find aliens to take on, yeah? And as if you’re gonna let me go alone, are you?”

“I’d feel insulted by that, but I got my ass kicked way too hard to refute it,” Tien sighed, then pinched his brow. “Just wait til Bulma actually finishes building the spaceship first before you go running off like an asshole.”

“What was that about steaks? Oh, is it lunchtime?” Goku cut in, immediately breaking the tension as he looked around. “I’m gonna go ask Kami if he’s got lunch!”

“...you know what,” Zeru decided, “I’ve had it with the brain cell.” Grinning slightly, she threw an arm around Goku’s shoulders. “You’re absolutely right, let’s eat!”

“Woohoo! Food!” Goku cheered as the two of them walked away, leaving the B Squad and Piccolo milling about awkwardly.

“... So uh… I guess we’re going to space, then?” Krillin asked, looking around and taking in the dour expressions of Tien, Chiaotzu, and Yamcha. “... Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I’m pretty sure that if we all go, at least half of us are gonna die,” Yamcha spoke up, shaking his head. “I’d rather not die, so I’m gonna sit this out.”

“Chiaotzu has already died once and can’t be brought back anymore,” Tien added his two cents. “And since he’s staying, I’m staying.”

“Wait, I can’t?” was Chiaotzu’s contribution.

“Yeah turns out the Dragon Balls can only revive a specific person once,” Krillin shrugged, not looking too bothered about it one way or another.

“... Well shit, that’s bad,” Chiaotzu deadpanned.

<>

“Hey Chi-Chi! I decided to be a moron for a change!”

“... For a change?” Chi-Chi raised an eyebrow at Zeru, grinning sardonically before stopping and staring. “... Where on earth did you get a female cut version of my husband’s training clothes?”

“Nowhere,” Zeru grinned, looking entirely too pleased with herself. “Those are my own ribbons - I shapeshifted!”

“... Of course you did. So why exactly are you… ‘now’ deciding to be a moron?” Chi-Chi asked, continuing to keep her eyebrow raised in Zeru’s direction as she prepared a simple lunch for herself. “Also, do you want a snack or something?”

“In reverse order,” Zeru admitted, parking herself on Chi-Chi’s couch, “yes please. Also, the heck are you insinuating? I was tired of being the smartest person in the room, so I stopped!”

“Sure. Let’s pretend I believe that,” Chi-Chi deadpanned, sighing as she fixed up her lunch and made a sandwich for Zeru. “So is there any other reason why you’re here or did you just come over for a social call?”

“...Do I need a reason?” Zeru questioned. “...Okay, yeah, there’s a reason. We want to take Gohan to Namek.”

“Absolutely not,” Chi-Chi immediately brandished her chopsticks at Zeru with a heavy glare. “If you  _ dare _ take a  _ child _ to a hostile alien planet, saiyan or not, ridiculously powerful outsider or not, I  _ will _ kick your ass.”

“...you know, I don’t get that part,” Zeru mused. “He’s perfectly fine on  _ this _ hostile planet, what’s honestly the difference between one planet and two?”

Chi-Chi whapped Zeru upside the head with a newspaper.

“Ow!” Zeru whined, clutching the sore spot dramatically and whimpering a little for effect. “What was that for!?”

“The hostile forces on  _ this _ planet normally don’t stoop so low as to trying to kill a child!” Chi-Chi huffed, glaring at Zeru. “Unlike what I could say about the aliens that came along.”

“...see, that’s another thing I don’t get,” the Angel grumbled. “What’s with this constant...  _ coddling _ of kids around here? What was wrong with leaving your offspring to hatch from eggs and leave them to find their own way into the Progenitor?”

“.... Well for one, we don’t lay eggs. For two, what the  _ fuck _ are you talking about, and three, human children are functionally helpless for two or three years until their brains and bodies develop enough to actually be used,” Chi-Chi sighed, pinching her brow and grumbling. “Are you actually this stupid or are you pretending just for your own amusement?”

“...not  _ my _ fault I’ve never seen a human childhood,” Zeru grumbled.

Chi-Chi just snorted and rolled her eyes again.

“I’m still not letting you take Gohan to Namek, and that’s  _ final. _ ”

"...Then come yourself," Zeru suggested. "Leave Gohan to spend time with his dad and have your own adventure. Stuff." 

“... Well… I  _ have _ been meaning to get out of the house lately…. but there’s no way I’m trusting Gohan to  _ Goku _ ,” Chi-Chi frowned, huffing a bit. “If you haven’t noticed, the man’s an idiot.”

"Then trust them both to Master Roshi or Kami or someone who isn't an idiot," Zeru huffed. "We'll take Bulma and Krillin and go to Namek ourselves, no men needed." 

"...But you're taking Krillin?" Chi-Chi deadpanned. 

"As I said," Zeru nodded amiably. "No men needed." 

“.... I’d say that’s degrading to Krillin, but considering that the rest of the men we know are macho muscleheaded idiots and Krillin is the only one with the sense to respect women,” Chi-Chi sighed, rolling her eyes a bit. “Well, whatever. I suppose I’ll need to pack some durable clothes…”

Zeru grinned, rubbing her hands together. “Oh, and we absolutely  _ have to _ spar on the way there...”

<>

“I’m going to fucking die, and you killed me,” Chi-Chi groaned, flopping down against the deck of their honestly rather small space ship- though, it was much larger than the pods the Saiyans came in, given that they could actually spar inside.

Bulma did good work, apparently.

“You’ll be  _ fine, _ ” Zeru shot back. “It’s just a  _ spar. _ Weren’t you a Warrior Princess?”

“I retired!” Chi-Chi groaned louder, whining as she pulled herself up and wiped herself down with a towel. “And I’m  _ so _ out of practice!”

“...fair enough,” Zeru allowed. “Yeah, we can take a breather, I suppose.”

“Good.” Chi-Chi huffed, pulling herself into a seat and leaning back with a loud sigh of relief. “Good god, I really  _ have _ let myself go… used to be that I could at least still beat  _ Krillin _ in a fight… eugh, childbirth made me  _ soft _ .”

“...See, I’m conflicted here,” Zeru mused. “I kind of wanna keep playing dumb and wondering what childbirth is, but it’s no  _ fun _ if you’re just seeing right through me...”

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” Chi-Chi sighed, then looked out of the cockpit window and frowned. “How long before we get to Namek anyway? It can’t be  _ that _ far, can it?”

“We move at the ‘speed of plot’ to quote that freaky genie of Kami’s,” Bulma declared from the doorway. “Honestly I didn’t bother to ask.”

“Oh hey Bulma, sup?” Zeru waved at the blue haired woman, grinning a bit as she sat down in her own chair. “How’s everything looking back there?”

“Functioning,” Bulma shot back. “Also, Krillin is acting weird for whatever reason....”

“Weird how? Like, sick weird, you caught him jerking off weird, or imminent death weird?” Zeru asked, scratching her hair a bit and sending out a couple soul pulses before- “Oh, whoa. Shit. We’ve got some  _ strong _ souls coming in towards Namek. Including the vegetable guy and… an alien feeling motherfucker who looks and sounds like the textbook definition of a bratty bottom bitch.”

“...Let me guess, you’re going to fight them,” Chi-Chi sighed.

“Duh- now seriously, what’s wrong with Krillin?” Zeru asked again, looking over at Bulma with a raised eyebrow. “Don’t tell me he’s getting all nervous when we haven’t even done anything.”

_ “You three keep walking around practically in your UNDERWEAR!!!” _ came a yell from somewhere deeper in the ship.

Bulma ignored that. “Probably, yeah,” she shrugged, “but it’s annoying.”

“... This is  _ battle armor _ ,” Chi-Chi muttered, idly adjusting the straps of what was essentially a larger version of her childhood outfit. Which was an armored bikini with boots and gloves. She’d foregone the helmet, since she couldn’t find a suitable replacement, but at least she still had her cape. Even if it barely covered her rear now.

Hm.

Maybe Krillin had a point.

“Looking  _ fine, _ ” Zeru enthused.

“...That’s far less than comforting,” Chi-Chi murmured.

“Anyway, if he has a problem with me wearing a bikini, then he totally shoulda said something  _ before _ we left, considering I’ve been wearing this the entire time,” Zeru shrugged, flicking the strap of her own bikini before shrugging and standing up. “.... Though that doesn’t really explain why you’re wearing… that.”

Bulma shrugged and tugged at the hem of her rather tight nightshirt, just barely long enough to cover her rear if she pulled it down. “It was comfy and all my labcoats are in the wash.”

Zeru tilted her head. "...You wearing anything under there?" 

“Well of course I am, duh,” Bulma deadpanned, rolling her eyes as she let go of her shirt and let it expose the tiny shorts she had on underneath. “Just because Krillin respects women doesn’t mean I’m gonna go commando around him.”

“I should point out that thanks to a long-running streak of useless bisexualism in the family, I’m as bad as him,” Zeru pointed out. “Looking  _ fine, _ by the way.”

“Yeah, but you weren’t trained by Master Roshi,” Bulma deadpanned. “And thanks, I guess.”

“You mean the old man?” Zeru deadpanned. “Yes, because creepy perverts are totally not a thing around the Family oh wait Tabris exists.”

“I resent that remark,” Tabris deadpanned idly as he stepped into frame, smacked Zeru upside the head, and walked out the door. “I’m only a pervert for Shinji.”

"Doesn't stop you from being creepy!" Zeru yelled, got no answer, and sighed in frustration. "And of course he's already gone. Fucking typical." 

Chi-Chi and Bulma  _ stared.  _ "Excuse me," the latter said slowly, "but who the  _ fuck  _ was that, and how the hell did he get on the ship!?" 

“That was my brother, and he can teleport. Ignore him, he’s an asshat,” Zeru deadpanned, sighing heavily and shaking her head. “On the plus side, that means we’re just about ready for the plot to happen.”


	7. Unit-01 Flashbacks

“... I kind of regret asking for plot to happen,” Zeru deadpanned, watching idly as a weird horned person and their entourage of ugly alien bastards terrorized a small village of Namekians, who, obviously, kind of looked a lot like Piccolo, except they didn’t wear martial arts uniforms. Still had the capes and scarves, though.

“I can  _ feel _ those power levels from  _ here, _ ” Krillin squeaked beside her.

“Yeah, it’s pretty great,” Zeru nodded, then stood up and started walking towards the village without a care in the world. “I’m gonna go fight ‘em!”

“Ohhh my god she’s actually going in,” Bulma sighed. “Krillin, go look for any Dragon Balls, we’re gonna need a revival...”

“Aye aye!” Krillin nodded, saluting Bulma as she handed him the dragonball radar and flying off at top speed while Zeru…

“.... Wow, she’s actually doing pretty good,” Chi-Chi commented idly as she watched Zeru go hand to hand with the spiky pink alien weirdo. “I mean, her form’s sloppy as hell, but she’s taking hits like a champ.”

"She's a natural tank," Bulma deadpanned. "None of the Z Warriors, and I still can't believe that name caught on, can land a hit that sticks, nor could any of the Saiyans. Yes, the ones who regularly beat up your husband, by the way." 

The two watched as the spiky alien flew over their heads and landed into a heap.

"Wonder if it's dead," Chi-Chi mused. 

“Still… alive…” the alien replied faintly, barely moving except to tremble in pain. “... barely…”

“... Huh, I wonder how it speaks Japanese,” Bulma muttered, raising her eyebrow at the pink lump of broken bones and contusions. “.... Maybe it’s a translator thing?”

"Oh,  _ well done  _ Dodoria," the horned alien complained, completely ignoring the two women. "Now get up and keep teaching this little hairless monkey a lesson, now  _ would you?"  _

"Sorry... Lord... Freeza," the now-named Dodoria gasped out. "I'm afraid... I... Was the lesson..." 

The pile of flesh twitched, and lay still. Chi-Chi and Bulma inhaled sharply. 

"You can't get any decent help  _ anywhere  _ these days," the horned alien now identified as 'Lord Freeza' huffed, standing from its chair. "Only a few decades ago Dodoria was wiping out punks left and right and now look at her. Completely disgraceful." 

"I know, right?" Zeru agreed brightly. "Gave me a nice warmup tho, so kudos to her. Hey, are you gonna fight me now?" 

Lord Freeza paused, then quirked his head to the side and crossed his arms. “Zarbon,” he spoke, in lieu of any real answer.

Zeru’s question, however, was met with a swift and  _ painful _ punch to the face as the aforementioned green skinned, green haired, effeminate looking alien appeared out of more or less nowhere and launched Zeru into and  _ through _ several of the village’s dome shaped houses.

“...is it bad to think that this guy looks  _ hot? _ ” Bulma whispered to Chi-Chi.

“He’s a green skinned pretty boy that acts like the most heterosexually stereotypical depiction of a gay man possible,” Chi-Chi deadpanned, frowning at Bulma and  _ definitely _ judging her friend’s taste in men. “I know I don’t have much of a leg to stand on here, but your taste in men is… genuinely awful.”

“...I’m pretty sure he’s straight,” Bulma defended herself. “Also, my taste in men isn’t  _ that _ bad - there was, um... Yamcha- hm.”

She got an odd look on her face, followed by a sly smirk. “You know, I just remembered I tried to seduce Goku when I first met him, so you’re absolutely right, my taste in men is awful.”

Chi-Chi tilted her head. “Okay, one, I’m going to smack you for that later. Two, wasn’t he like,  _ twelve _ at the time?”

“.... Actually you know what, in retrospect let’s just forget I said that,” Bulma muttered, looking away and coughing into her hand- or at least, until the loud snap of bone rang out… and Zarbon landed in a slightly crispier than usual heap next to the now (mostly) deceased Dodoria.

“... Well, he’s a little hotter now, I think,” Chi-Chi deadpanned, idly standing up and idly stomping out the embers in Zarbon’s cape before they could set all the grass on fire. “Hmm… actually, he  _ is _ pretty handsome up close. Kinda dead now, though.”

“Not… yet…” Zarbon wheezed out quietly, before choking on his own blood and passing out.

“Mostly,” Chi-Chi amended.

Still in the middle of village, Lord Freeza hmphed. "First Dodoria, now Zarbon... Either my minions have gotten  _ drastically  _ weaker recently or this punk is actually someone to look out for... So! Do you think  _ you're  _ the strongest this planet has to offer, punk?" 

"Actually," Zeru corrected, stepping through the building she'd just thrown Zarbon through, "I'm not even  _ from  _ this planet, I just came here looking for a fight. You up for it? I can  _ feel  _ you're strong." 

Lord Freeza rolled his eyes. "Tch... I have to do  _ everything  _ myself, do I?" 

He  _ moved.  _

There was a spray of... blue? blood. 

Zeru  _ stared  _ at her arm, lying on the dirt and oozing blood. 

"Huh," she intoned. "I'm suddenly feeling an awful bit of deja vu." 

Behind the hill, the two women clamped their hands on their mouths, eyes wide. 

“Well well, would you look at that,” Freeza spoke, standing behind Zeru with a single pinkie finger held in the air. “You got my armor dirty, you ugly  _ ape. _ ”

“Holy shit,” Zeruel murmured. She turned around, and suddenly her grin was fangier than before, her face was far more skeletal, and her eyes were sunken. “Now  _ you’ll _ do for a  _ challenge. _ ”

Ribbons shot out of her shoulder, forming into an arm that suddenly looked far sharper somehow, and spikes rose from her back. 

The Angel of Might  _ grinned. _

“Oh shit, the primitive monkey knows how to transform,” Freeza deadpanned rolling his eyes as he easily dodged Zeru’s wild charge forward- showing only the barest amount of surprise as the Angel’s missed swing struck a nearby boulder… and turned the entire village they had been fighting in into a smoking crater in the ground. “... Ah, I see.”

"Bitch please, my race is far older than yours," Zeru grinned, turning around at lightning speed and unfurling her arms. "Fun fact: the title of 'The First Ancestral Race' is _ well-deserved  _ here! Oh hey, you actually know how to dodge, huh?" 

“Better than you do, certainly,” Freeza responded, immediately blurring through Zeru’s rapid series of blindingly fast swipes, seemingly appearing in three places at once before vanishing and re-appearing right in front of Zeru.

The landscape behind the alien immediately vanished into a cloud of dust, slashed apart so thoroughly that only the finest particles remained.

Freeza held a glowing finger to Zeru’s chest.

“Die.”

A beam of light speared Zeru through the chest with all the fanfare of a puff of air and the sound of shattering glass.

Zeru’s AT Field  _ broke _ .

She collapsed.

Freeza snorted and rolled his eyes.

Zeru punched him right in his alien dick.

“Bitch… you missed… my important bits…” she groaned, watching the alien warlord shriek like a teapot as he flew off into the distance, standing up and quickly regenerating the damage to her (honestly quite superfluous except for aesthetics) heart and lungs. “Bastard shot me right in the boob…”

"Zeru! Are you all right?" 

With that chorus, Bulma and Chi-Chi were running towards Zeru. "He actually hurt you!" the latter panted. "Are you-" 

"I'm  _ fine,"  _ Zeru growled. "You two stay back - this battle is far from over." She cracked her knuckles for emphasis. 

“ _ Indeed, _ ” came the indignant reply, as Freeza came flying back over the horizon, no worse for wear (other than an ice pack taped to his crotch).

“Where did he get-?” Bulma muttered, right before Chi-Chi bodily picked her up and  _ booked it,  _ right in time for Zeru to launch herself at the dictator and begin the fight once again- now on slightly more even terms than before.

“I am,” Chi-Chi panted, “ _ So _ glad I didn’t let her talk me into taking  _ Gohan _ into this mess...”

“I’m kind of wishing that the other guys were here,” Bulma responded, catching her breath as they hid under a nearby alcove, peeking out to just barely catch a glimpse of the earthshaking battle happening in the sky. “At least they could  _ try _ to do something about all this shit.”

“No offence to Goku,” Chi-Chi pointed out, “But Zeru’s stronger than most of them combined, and she’s basically holding her ground! What could  _ they _ do?”

“Gather the dragon balls faster, I guess?” Bulma shrugged, then groaned as a very familiar spherical space pod touched down near their hiding spot. “... Oh that  _ better _ not be who I think it is.”

“If Goku figured out how to disobey my orders and come here-” Chi-Chi began, only to cut herself off as a short angry bloke with spiky hair emerged. “Oh thank Kami, it’s Vegeta.”

She paused.

“Oh kami it’s  _ Vegeta _ .”

“... Well, he’s looking better than before,” Bulma mentioned, idly licking her lips as the Saiyan warrior began digging around in the wreckage of the village before retrieving a…

“Huh, Namekian dragon balls are… really big.”

“... There’s a dirty joke in there somewhere. Let’s not think of it further,” Chi-Chi muttered, pulling Bulma back so they wouldn’t be seen. “... Maybe having Goku here wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”

Bulma just grinned. "If those are the Namekian dragon  _ balls,  _ how big do you think is the Namekian dragon  _ shaft?"  _

Chi-Chi groaned. 

“Woman! What are you two doing here!?” Vegeta called out as he drew nearer, storming over to the two humans with a heavy glare on his face. “It’s bad enough that I had to tell that  _ bitch _ Freeza about the dragon balls, but now there’s that  _ bitch _ floating up there, stealing  _ my _ victory, and she brought along two weakling stragglers!”

Chi-Chi took one look at Bulma and  _ sighed.  _ "You really do have a shit taste in men," she groused. "Oi, Vegeta! Badmouth me again and I'll actually kick you in the balls!" 

“Don’t make me blast you into ashes, woman! Nobody insults the prince of all Saiyans!” Vegeta snarled back, then, as he noticed Freeza fly past in a bruised and slightly bloodied heap, noticed Zeru floating in the air behind him and froze. “...  _ We’ll continue this later, woman! _ ”

And with that, the prince of all two saiyans promptly fucked off with his dragon ball.

Aaand so did Freeza.

Goddammit.

“Dammit! Get back here and fight me!” Zeru yelled, chasing after Freeza, who was also chasing after Vegeta, who was mostly aimlessly rocketing off into the distance to try and find more dragon balls.

“... You know, it occurs to me that Krillin left with the dragon radar without actually picking up a communicator,” Bulma mentioned, slowly paling as she realized Krillin’s precarious situation. “.... Oh god he’s gonna die.”

“Unless he’s going to be just flying around singing ‘I’ve got a Dragon Ball, I’ve got a Dragon Ball’ we’ll be fine,” Chi-Chi deadpanned.

_ “I’ve got a Dragon Ball, I’ve got a- OHGODFUCK!” _

“.... Yeah, like that,” Chi-Chi sighed, groaning as Krillin flew back  _ towards them _ in a straight line, dragon ball held aloft and two very pissed off aliens on his tail- his one saving grace being the fact that  _ Zeru _ was there too. “We’re all gonna die.”

"Well, look on the bright side," Bulma pointed out. "Goku can probably wish us back from Earth, there's still a set of Dragon Balls there." 

“Hey guys!”

“I have  _ got _ to stop running my mouth,” Bulma groaned, seeing Goku pop into existence alongside Piccolo. “What, are we gonna see literal god pop up too?”

"No, I've already done this gag," Tabris said, walking into frame and glaring. "You lot will have to do without me." He then turned to Piccolo. "That being said, may I have an autograph? My sister is a fan." 

Piccolo blinked. 

Several times. 

"Er, sure," he said bemusedly, taking the pen and paper from the... Entity? And hesitating. "...To who?" 

"Azariel, please," Tabris replied with grace. "Thanks very much! She'll love it." 

He then turned and yelled upwards. "OI! ZERU! LILITH WANTED ME TO TELL YOU THAT IF YOU DIE TO  **_FREEZA_ ** OF ALL THINGS, YOU  _ WILL  _ BE MOCKED MERCILESSLY! JUST A F.Y.I.!" 

Grinning lightly, he collected the autograph from Piccolo and walked out of the frame. 

The four of them stood around awkwardly for a few moments- at least until Krillin crashed into the ground next to Bulma and Chi-Chi, Vegeta landed next to Krillin, and Zeru finally stopped sandbagging and managed to punt Freeza over the horizon with a great cry of effort.

Bulma mentally debated various pros and cons of her next action.

She then gave an equally mental shrug and sauntered up to Vegeta. “Hey there, handsome~. You single?”

Behind her, Chi-Chi facepalmed.

“Um, can someone explain what’s going on?” Krillin asked, rubbing his head as he looked around to see Goku and Piccolo, as well as Bulma doing her best to seduce Vegeta- which, after the initial flirtatiousness, seemed to instantly devolve into sexually tense arguing.

“- couldn’t fuck your way out of a paper bag!”

“Fuck you woman, my dick is hard enough to plow through mountains!”

“Oh so you admit you’ve only ever fucked an inanimate object before!”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it!”

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck  _ you!” _

_ “FUCK YOU!” _

_ “ _ **_FUCK YOU!”_ **

“FUCK ME YOURSELF YOU COWARD!”

“THAT’S IT, I’LL DO JUST DAMN THAT YOU BLUE HAIRED BITCH!”

Chi-Chi  _ sighed _ .

“Why is this my life?” she groaned, watching as Vegeta picked up Bulma in a princess carry and rather violently flew them off back towards their own ship. “Oh god, they’re gonna blow a hole in our ride home.  _ Shit.” _

“Why is Goku here?” Zeru demanded, landing.  _ “How _ is Goku here? I’m pretty sure we left him on Earth.”

“I have no fucking idea,” Chi-Chi groused. “Let’s go ask him.”

“Oi, dumbass!” Zeru called out, finally winding down from her Angelic nature now that the threat had been adequately dealt with for the time being. “How in the fuck did you get over here? We’re like, halfway across the fucking galaxy!”

"I ate some sick aliens!" Goku declared cheerfully. "And now I can  _ teleport!"  _

“.... I’m not even gonna pretend I understand how that works, but fine. How did you  _ know _ which planet to go to in the first place?” Zeru asked, scratching her head. “There’s like, thousands of them with life. Millions even.”

“Yeah, that was a bit of a bummer,” Goku nodded. “So I just thought of my friends! Only I wasn’t sure who to think of, so I just thought of Krillin instead. Don’t tell Chi-Chi!”

_ “I’M RIGHT HERE, GOKU!” _ Chi-Chi roared.

“Oh hey there Chi-Chi! I love the new look! Did you do something with your hair?” Goku asked obliviously, grinning vapidly at his wife like the muscleheaded buffoon that he was. “Oh, right! I forgot to mention, I left Gohan with Master Roshi, so you don’t have to worry about hiring a babysitter.”

Chi-Chi pressed her hand to her forehead and let out a  _ deep  _ sigh. "As much as you're sleeping on the couch for leaving  _ my son  _ with that consummate pervert," she ground out, "I'm  _ immeasurably  _ glad you didn't take him  _ with  _ you." She then glared at him. "On  _ that _ topic...  _ Why are you even here!?"  _

“King Kai said it was important,” Goku said, as if that explained everything, still looking as vapid as he always did. “Also, do we have any lunch? I kinda skipped third lunch to teleport me n’ Piccolo here…”

“Do I  _ look _ like I have lunch hidden anywhere on me?” Chi-Chi deadpanned.

“I dunno, do you?” Goku asked.

“... I’m gonna go do some actual training,” Zeru muttered, finally deigning to regenerate her lost arm now that Freeza was good and punted over the horizon and she had time to actually do stuff that wasn’t fighting for her life. “I  _ finally _ have an opponent to punch who won’t die instantly! This is great!”

“I don’t think this is the right lesson to take away from this,” Chi-Chi deadpanned, this time in Zeru’s direction.

“Of course it is!” Zeru shot back, throwing her hands in the air. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for a proper challenge!? Even Vegeta took a single finger flick to beat back on Earth and he can blow up  _ planets! _ Even  _ Rami _ isn’t strong enough to do that! Ramiel, sure, but not quite as consistently as she’d like but anyway! The point is, I can punch that freaky alien genotype without him dying instantly, and he’s got enough Ki that I can fight him good n’ proper and go all out for the  _ first time in my quasi-immortal life!” _

**_“YOU! FILTHY! MONKEY!!!”_ **

...speaking of the devil.

Freeza was back, heaving with rage, and... did he look bigger?

_ “I can _ **_not_ ** _ believe,” _ he snarled,  _ “that I had to bring out my  _ **_second form_ ** _ just to combat  _ **_an IRREVERENT BRAT LIKE YOU!!!_ ** **FIGHT ME, MONKEY! Taste your DEFEAT!!!** _ ” _

“Okay- one, not a monkey, I’m a… er… hrm,” Zeruel paused as Freeza approached, frowning as she threw up her AT Field with an idle gesture. “... I actually don’t know  _ what _ animal I am.”

She shrugged, then immediately threw herself back into fighting. 

“Ooh ooh! I wanna join in!” Goku called out, throwing himself at Freeza as well, leaving Chi-Chi standing there alone again.

Or at least, until Krillin wandered back over with two Dragon Balls. “So... wanna help me find the rest of them?”

“Oh god yes,” Chi-Chi sighed.


	8. Dammit, Freeza

“Well, this is going pretty well,” Chi-Chi mentioned idly, picking up the sixth dragon ball and loading it into the large crate that she and Krillin had retrieved from the ship. Zeru and Frieza were still fighting, sure, and Goku was getting knocked around, sure, but at least they were far away and busy beating each other up instead of her and Krillin.

“I know right? It’s been a while since I could actually do stuff without getting threatened by a bunch of weird badguys!” Krillin grinned, idly adjusting the harness that tied the crate to himself as he floated in the air.

And then five space pods crashed down not ten meters away from the two.

“... Awwww… shit,” Krillin sighed.

“You just  _ had _ to open your mouth!” Chi-Chi scolded.

“Maybe they’re friendly…?” Krillin suggested, slowly sinking down to the ground as the pods sat there for a moment before bursting open with a hiss of steam and-

“Is that a guitar solo?” Chi-Chi muttered, staring as-

**TOKUSENTAI**

**TOKUSENTAI**

“Oh my god they’re posing,” Krillin muttered, shuddering in fear. “Nothing good ever happens when enemies start posing…”

Chi-Chi tilted her head. “I dunno... They just look like something out of a  _ Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills _ episode.”

“Oi, we’re not teenagers!” the red one called out, bearing the kind of stereotypical Australian accent one would expect from a really terrible cartoon of some kind.

“And we don’t have tattoos!” another called out in kind, the green short one this time.

“I  _ am _ basically from Space Beverly Hills, though,” the big, horned, purple guy muttered, just barely audible.

The air filled with smoke suddenly as the five continued posing, then blurred and vanished, only to reappear surrounding Krillin and Chi-Chi with menacing grins.

“... Krillin, how likely are we to die?” Chi-Chi asked quietly, sighing a bit as she took a step back and tried not to make any threatening moves.

“You, maybe not so much. Me? Oh almost definitely,” Krillin answered, wincing a little bit as he lowered himself to stand next to Chi-Chi. “I get the feeling you gentlemen want the dragonballs, right?”

“Thaaaaat’s right,” the blue froggy-looking one drawled. “Now hand ‘em over and we  _ might _ actually let you go...”

“... At the expense of losing all our progress….” Chi-Chi muttered, slowly raising her hands as she took a step away from the crate containing the dragonballs. “... I’d really rather not die today, thanks a bunch.”

“... Yeah you know what, I’m feeling pretty mortal right now, let’s…  _ not _ antagonize a bunch of alien super sentai,” Krillin nodded, raising his hands as well and slowly stepping away from the dragonballs as well. “... D’ya think Zeru will show up if shit gets bad?”

“Honestly? No idea,” Chi-Chi sighed quietly, continuing to back up as the five aliens continued posturing and grinning menacingly as they closed ranks around the crate and picked it up. “... Well, you have them now. I suppose we’ll just be going, then?”

"Recoome disagrees," the final one, the most human-like of the five rumbled. "Recoome is  _ itching  _ for a fight!"

“... I um… don’t think that’s gonna happen,” Chi-Chi spoke warily, taking another step back as she subtly motioned for Krillin to flare his Ki. “Neither of us are exactly good fighters and I’m sure you’d rather have an actually worthy opponent, right?”

Krillin blinked for a moment, then looked from side to side and flared his Ki, creating a visible aura of power that shot high into the sky for a brief second before it petered out.

“... Y’know what, how about we bring one to you?” he asked somewhat belatedly, grinning a bit as a quiet whistling noise began to draw nearer, echoing in the distance as it grew louder and louder.

"What's this?" Recoome declared. "A new challenger approaches!" 

There was an almighty  _ CRASH  _ as Zeruel landed with a grin, one that diminished as she laid her eyes on the quintet. 

"Aw come on, Krillin," she complained. "Those guys are like,  _ way  _ weaker than Freeza!" 

"They're still stronger than  _ us!"  _ Krillin yelped. 

“... Fair enough, I guess. Do you want me to kill them for you or-?” Zeru paused as she tilted her head, frowning at the purple alien. “... You. I’m going to kill  _ you _ specifically. The other four I don’t give a shit about, but you, purple man… your powers personally offend me.”

“Crikey, boss!” the red one exclaimed. “This guy’s power level is even greater than Lord Freeza’s, mate!”

The ‘Boss’ just tilted his head. “Even greater, Jeice? Well then. Tell me, do you happen to come with an immunity to my...  _ power, _ stranger?”

“Let’s find out, shall we?” Zeru challenged, glaring at the purple man with her arms crossed, the air visibly shimmering around her as she projected her AT Field into the world. 

Below them, Krillin and Chi-Chi exchanged glances.

Then, as one, they turned tail and got the heck out of there.

“Do you think she’ll be okay?” Chi-Chi asked idly, taking a few deep breaths as Krillin picked her up and carried her off, the two of them only just barely glancing back at the now furious fighting going on down below. “I mean- she did say that the purple guy had a power that she might not be immune to, right?”

“Chi-Chi, if I’ve learned anything in the last two hours, it’s that I’m a very small fish in a very big pond, and at the end of the day, if our way stronger friends are or aren’t enough to beat the bad guys, it’s not going to matter to us soon anyway,” Krillin responded a bit hysterically, focusing his gaze on the horizon after a few moments and reorienting towards the ship they’d arrived on. “Either they win, or we all die and hopefully King Kai lets us go to heaven.”

“I haven’t actually died before,” Chi-Chi admitted.

“Eh,” Krillin waved his hand. “Give it time. You’re hanging with the right crowd.”

“... That really doesn’t fill me with a lot of confidence,” Chi-Chi deadpanned, crossing her arms and sighing as she rolled her eyes and looked awkwardly back in the direction they’d left Zeruel.

Right in time for a massive cross shaped explosion to rip through the air with a sound not unlike what one would imagine the end of the world would sound like- Deafening to the point that it Chi-Chi could feel it vibrating through her  _ lungs _ .

Fortunately for her and Krillin’s ears, the shell of Ki that surrounded them whilst Krillin flew was enough to prevent the worst of the damage.

“We run  _ faster,” _ Krillin decided.

“Good idea!” Chi-Chi noted, her voice high and a bit shrill from the sudden stress of nearly being deafened by a massive explosion.

<>

“... I can’t believe you two have been having sex this  _ entire time _ ,” Chi-Chi muttered, hair frazzled and eye twitching a bit as she sat down in the ship, glaring at Bulma and Vegeta, who mostly seemed smug and sort of sour, respectively. “Me and Krillin nearly  _ died _ out there!”

“.... You two aren’t injured, though?” Bulma raised an idle eyebrow, tilting her head slightly as she looked over both Krillin and Chi-Chi, shrugging a bit. “Aaanyway, we’re pretty much almost done here, aren’t we? You guys found the dragonballs, right?”

"We got  _ six,"  _ Chi-Chi corrected her. "The last one is being fought over by... Basically everyone at this point? And Krillin and I are still only human in case you haven't noticed." 

“Hrm, useless woman,” Vegeta huffed under his breath, glaring vaguely in Chi-Chi’s direction as he crossed his arms and scowled. “You’re lucky I don’t just kill you both now and take all of the dragon balls for myself.”

“I don’t see  _ you _ jumping into that battle  _ either, _ ” Chi-Chi snarled at him. “Must be a  _ lovely _ view from that glass house of yours.”

“Are you challenging me, woman!? I’ll fucking fight you, I swear!” Vegeta shouted back indignantly, only just barely stopping himself from standing up due to Bulma’s warning hand placed directly against his crotch.

“If you blow up my ship and my friends, Vegeta, I  _ will _ rip your dick off,” said blue-haired scientist deadpanned, squeezing once just so her easily irritated boytoy could feel just how  _ sharp _ her nails were.

“... I’ll be good,” Vegeta mumbled.

“Aaaaand that’s my limit!” Krillin declared. “Bye!”

“Seeya later Bulma, try not to leave any messes in my room,” Chi-Chi waved idly as she followed after Krillin, grimacing a bit as she tried very hard to avoid the suspicious stains that dotted the floor of the ship every so often.

"...How is it that the two of  _ us  _ specifically are the remaining sane people around here?" Krillin suddenly asked out of the blue. "Also I just realized that we don't hang out all that often despite the fact that you're married to my best friend... Huh." 

“Considering how little time I actually spend with my husband, I’m not surprised,” Chi-Chi grumbled, frowning a bit as she stared off into the distance, chewing her lip thoughtfully as she eyed a few twinkles out on the horizon. “... By the way, what are we even going to do with these dragon balls anyway? I kinda doubt the Namekians will be super happy to just let us have them.”

Krillin started to speak, but paused. “Yeah, why are we collecting them anyway? I think all we really need is an extra Dragon Clan Namekian for if Kami croaks it, and we don’t really need the Balls for that... I suppose it was literally reflex that we started collecting them? I mean, nobody’s  _ dead... _ ”

“ _ Yet,” _ Chi-Chi deadpanned. “Someone we don’t want dead might end up kicking it if things get worse. Like, say, the entire planet.”

“We probably shouldn’t jinx it,” Krillin nodded, immediately zipping his lips and going back to watching the proceedings unfold. “Hm. Hey, who do you think is winning?”

“Well, we’ll probably find out soon enough, I think they’re getting closer and-” Chi-Chi paused and squinted off into the distance, frowning a bit before calling back into the open entrance to the spaceship. “Hey, Vegeta! You know any reason why Goku’s hair suddenly turned blonde!?”

A moment of silence.

“I’LL FUCKING KILL HIM!”

Another moment of silence.

“... Aaand there goes my fuckbuddy,” Bulma deadpanned as she came out of the ship, arms crossed as she watched Vegeta rocket off into the distance like some kind of screaming banshee powered by pure indignant rage. “Thanks. Real nice.”


End file.
